She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
