Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
