Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
