I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize