I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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