I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
