Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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