When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
