we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
