It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
