You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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