You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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