the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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