she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
