I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
