I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
