Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
