i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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