Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
