first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize