We named our party play list daddy issues
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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