shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
