Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
