So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I intend to get homeless drunk
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
