Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
