She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
