my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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