There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
