Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
