90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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