I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Is Oprah even human
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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