theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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