Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
