Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
