i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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