can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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