Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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