Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
