OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
