well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
