You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
