i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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