Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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