Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize