I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
And then he peed in my hair
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
