her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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