My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
