Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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