I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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