Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
