It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
