come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
