I need to stop coming to work sober
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
