i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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