I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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