He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
