Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
